Things were really rough this past weekend.
We went up to see my parents at their new place and on the way back we were arguing about the constant complaints during the trip and I broke down crying in utter realization that my frustration was over missing my family and feeling disconnected from them. It was kind of shocking, but expected. The only time I expressed my feelings externally was the day they left and I got awful food poisoning. Amidst the cramping pain in my stomach and my body's multiple attempts to expel my insides I cried for my parents...wishing they were there. They are always there for me and were only a phone call away.
Now it takes more than 2 hours and a plan to visit them, whereas before it was a quick ride across town and nearly every day spent with them. Thirty years of my life have been centered around my family and seeing them in person on a day to day basis.
Now my parents are 2+ hours drive, my grandparents at 5+ hours drive one brother is 5+ hours drive and the other brother is 1 hour away.
I have friends, but our schedules don't always match up and some friends I don't see more than once a year now. Other friends it takes months to get together. I don't want to seem needy to the friends that are more available or force more of a friendship than would naturally develop over time.
I tried to branch out with new friends I have met through friends and the two I made most of an effort are ironically both moving away in three months. One is moving about 5+ hours away and the other one is moving 28+ hours away. *siiiiiiiigh*
It can be really stressful and dissatisfying to try and establish connections with people or expand your social circle without "putting all your eggs in one basket" or spreading yourself too thin between people. Something has to give and I don't have much energy or motivation to try too hard these days.
On April 13th (lucky number 13) I am going to do the upper endoscopy procedure recommend to me by multiple doctors.
I
am
terrified
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